We have been always discussing serious HR issues on the site most of the times.. Lets for cange have some fun..for change
1st One
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend! an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed ! an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags ! and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
" Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee. .."
2nd
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer fresh out of IIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, well, what you would say to:
Package of 10 weeks’ annual vacation,
21 paid holidays,
Full medical and dental,
Company matching retirement fund for 50 percent of your salary,
Company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Have a nice day...
Badlu
From Saudi Arabia
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151st One
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend! an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed ! an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags ! and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
" Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee. .."
2nd
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer fresh out of IIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, well, what you would say to:
Package of 10 weeks’ annual vacation,
21 paid holidays,
Full medical and dental,
Company matching retirement fund for 50 percent of your salary,
Company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Have a nice day...
Badlu
From Saudi Arabia
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Hey why u have your name as badlooser is there anything specific which makes u name yr profile as BADLOOSER...
From India, Delhi
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From India, Delhi
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Changing HR Policies
Casual Fridays:
Week 1 - Memo No. 1
Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3 - Memo No. 2
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles, or moccasins.
Week 6 - Memo No. 3
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Week 8 - Memo No. 4
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Week 9 - Memo No. 5
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.
Week 14 - Memo No. 6
The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Week 18 - Memo No. 7
Our Employee Assistance Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.
Week 20 - Memo No. 8
Due to budget cuts in the HR Department, we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.
From United Arab Emirates, Dubai
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Casual Fridays:
Week 1 - Memo No. 1
Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3 - Memo No. 2
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles, or moccasins.
Week 6 - Memo No. 3
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Week 8 - Memo No. 4
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Week 9 - Memo No. 5
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.
Week 14 - Memo No. 6
The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Week 18 - Memo No. 7
Our Employee Assistance Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.
Week 20 - Memo No. 8
Due to budget cuts in the HR Department, we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.
From United Arab Emirates, Dubai
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Good one...... :icon6::icon6::icon6::icon6::icon6::icon6::icon6::icon6::icon6::icon6::icon6::icon6::icon6::icon6:
From India, Nasik
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From India, Nasik
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REPORT FROM PROJECT HR TO H.O.
E-mail One
Attention: Head Office-Human Resources
Joe Smith, our assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no vanity despite his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project H.R.
E-mail Two
Attention: H.O. Human Resources
Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd-numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.
Regards,
Project H.R.
From United Arab Emirates, Dubai
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E-mail One
Attention: Head Office-Human Resources
Joe Smith, our assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no vanity despite his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project H.R.
E-mail Two
Attention: H.O. Human Resources
Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd-numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.
Regards,
Project H.R.
From United Arab Emirates, Dubai
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The Real Meaning Behind Job Descriptions - Just for Fun
Well, I came across this on a web page and thought I could share it!
The real meaning behind job descriptions!
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat, or ugly, you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.
:-D:-D
From India, Madras
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Well, I came across this on a web page and thought I could share it!
The real meaning behind job descriptions!
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat, or ugly, you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.
:-D:-D
From India, Madras
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Office Humor:
After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increment, and no commendation. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager. His manager looked at him, smiled, and asked him to sit down saying:
"My friend, you have not worked here for even a single day." The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager: How many days are there in a year?
Man: 365 days and sometimes 366.
Manager: How many hours make up a day?
Man: 24 Hours.
Manager: How long do you work in a day?
Man: 10 am to 6 pm i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager: So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man: He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 i.e. 1/3 (one third).
Manager: This is nice of you! What is 1/3rd of 366 days?
Man: 122 (1/3 x 366 = 122 in days)
Manager: Do you come to work on weekends?
Man: No, sir.
Manager: How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man: 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equal to 104 days.
Manager: Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man: 18 days.
Manager: I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man: 4 days.
Manager: Do you work on Republic Day?
Man: No, sir!
Manager: Do you come to work on Independence Day?
Man: No, sir!
Manager: So how many days are left?
Man: 2 days, sir!
Manager: Do you come to work on New Year's Day?
Man: No, sir!
Manager: So how many days are left?
Man: 1 day, sir!
Manager: Do you work on Christmas Day?
Man: No, sir!
Manager: So how many days are left?
Man: None, sir!
Manager: So what are you claiming?
Man: !!!
Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
HR - HIGHLY RISKY.
From India
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After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increment, and no commendation. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager. His manager looked at him, smiled, and asked him to sit down saying:
"My friend, you have not worked here for even a single day." The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.
Manager: How many days are there in a year?
Man: 365 days and sometimes 366.
Manager: How many hours make up a day?
Man: 24 Hours.
Manager: How long do you work in a day?
Man: 10 am to 6 pm i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager: So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man: He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 i.e. 1/3 (one third).
Manager: This is nice of you! What is 1/3rd of 366 days?
Man: 122 (1/3 x 366 = 122 in days)
Manager: Do you come to work on weekends?
Man: No, sir.
Manager: How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man: 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equal to 104 days.
Manager: Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man: 18 days.
Manager: I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man: 4 days.
Manager: Do you work on Republic Day?
Man: No, sir!
Manager: Do you come to work on Independence Day?
Man: No, sir!
Manager: So how many days are left?
Man: 2 days, sir!
Manager: Do you come to work on New Year's Day?
Man: No, sir!
Manager: So how many days are left?
Man: 1 day, sir!
Manager: Do you work on Christmas Day?
Man: No, sir!
Manager: So how many days are left?
Man: None, sir!
Manager: So what are you claiming?
Man: !!!
Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
HR - HIGHLY RISKY.
From India
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JOB SEARCH JARGON
Whether you are a student looking for that first-time or summer job or a long-time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way...
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.
CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS
1. When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
2. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
3. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
4. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
5. When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm.
6. When you overlook a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
7. When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being cooperative.
8. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
9. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
10. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
From India, New Delhi
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Whether you are a student looking for that first-time or summer job or a long-time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way...
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.
CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS
1. When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
2. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
3. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
4. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
5. When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm.
6. When you overlook a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
7. When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being cooperative.
8. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
9. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
10. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
From India, New Delhi
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HR Manual (Employee Hand Book).doc
HR Humor.zip
Aligning HR Policies to Business Objectives.ppt