DEAR ALL....
NOTE: TO BE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK...PUBLISHER CANNOT BE PUNISHED FOR NOTHING....
WEEKEND HAS ARRIVED .... TIME TO ENJOY THE JOKES....IF U LIKE THE JOKES...GOOD...IF U DON'T PLS DNT CURSE ME....BCZ...THE TOPIC SAYZ IT ALL "BRUTAL HUMOUR-WEEKEND SPECIAL"
WITH YOUR PERMISION... I START...
World Ideologies Explained by Reference to Cows" - Rated PG
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of
all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: Your cows are cared for by former chicken
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took
from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and
eggs the rules say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to
take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your
neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the
most "need." Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the
cows drop dead of starvation.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You take care of them but the
government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can
and sell it on the black market.
PERESTROIKA: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but
the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can
and sell it on the "free" market.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and
shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts
you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbor decides who gets the
milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick
someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates
what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you
not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and
pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms
accounting for the missing cows.
CAPITALISM: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money
to buy cows because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair
price, or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to
take harmonica lessons.
OLYMPICS-ISM: You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the
help of trilling violins and state-of-the-art montage photography,
John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame
the agony of growing up in a suburb with divorced parents, then
mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a
tyrannical farmer and saw its parents butchered before its eyes. The
American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a
gritty performance, and gets a multi-million-dollar contract to
endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by
Chinese government officials though no one ever hears about it.
McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing
restaurant.
LIMBAUGHISM: You used to have two cows. They may be dead; you don't
know, because you can't smell them through the stench rising off your
unwashed, 1,500-pound bulk. It's been six years since you could fit
into the shower. You blame the entire situation on an evil government
conspiracy, and click the remote to another talk show.
X-FILES-ISM: Your two cows turn out to be the government. They milk
YOU. You are saved by two generic bimbos, a female and a male with
blow-dried hair, after (1) a car chase, involving UFOs, (2) a
gunfight, and (3) a seance. The aliens get the advertising revenue
after the Nielsens rise.
The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington engineering mid term. The answer was so "profound" that
the Professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when
it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the
following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As
for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions
state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to
Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do
not Belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls
go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at
the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my
Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not
freeze." the student received the only "A" given.
young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language.
He's been saying things I've never heard before!
All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
--------------------------
Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest shmucks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"
--------------------------
There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing. They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.
His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!"
On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been kissed before.
When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt."
He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!"
She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me."
With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.
He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!"
She said, "Why are you going to die??"
He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!!"
--------------------------
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.
Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.
The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
--------------------------
As cab drivers sometimes do, the driver was darting in and out of heavy traffic with complete abandon. After a few hair raising blocks, his passenger leaned forward and
said, "Dear sir, would you please be more careful? I have six children at home."
"Scheesch lady," murmured the cabby, "you got six kids and ya got the nerve to tell ME to be careful?"
--------------------------
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
--------------------------
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language.
He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, 'OOh dad, there's one.'
'No,' said the father. 'There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait.'
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, 'Hey dad, he's plenty big enough.'
'No,' the father said. 'We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait.'
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, 'Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her.'
'No,' said the father. 'We'll not eat her either.'
'Why not?' asked the son.
'Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother.'
--------------------------
"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir,"urged the street vendor.
"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man."Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."
"I don't have a sweetheart, either."
"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."
--------------------------
A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"
--------------------------
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess. I didn't go shopping. All the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
--------------------------
A conversation heard at a local pub:
"Gee, Sam, wish you were here with me."
"But Tom, I am. Look see, I'm right in front of you."
"No you're not."
"Yes, I am."
"Can prove you're not. Bet you $5."
"You're on."
"You're not in New York City, are you?"
"That's true."
"And you're not in Montreal."
"Can't argue with you there."
"And you are definitely not in Paris."
"Nope."
"If you're not in New York City, Montreal or Paris, then you must be someplace else."
"Yea, that makes sense."
"Well, if you're someplace else, you can't be here. So pay up, let's have the $5."
"Can't."
"Why not?"
"I'm not here."
--------------------------
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."
--------------------------
One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, 'Why don't you let me drive for ones.'
The driver thinks to him self, 'Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the pope.' So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, 'slow down a bit, you might get pulled over.' The Pope says, 'ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope.' So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, 'oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute.'
The Pope says, 'sure'
The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, 'guys I just pulled over some one really important.'
They ask who, 'The President?'
'No more important.'
'The president of another country.'
'No more important.'
'An ambassador.'
'No even more important.'
'Well who is it.'
'I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur.'
--------------------------
Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone.
"Watt."
"What is your name, please?"
"Watt's my name."
"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?"
"No, this is Knott."
"Please tell me your name."
"Will Knott."
Whereupon they both hung up.
--------------------------
The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my f**king advice, they'd let me know."
--------------------------
Once, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has committed lots of sin and therefore decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at a church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. "Father, I have sinned." "Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you." "Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house; nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her." "That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake." "Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too." "That's not very good of you." "Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too." "Father? ... Father?" suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the father was not there. So he began searching for him. "Father? Where are you?" He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano. "Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
--------------------------
Four people are riding in a small passenger car compartment on a long train ride across the country. On one seat, a young, beautiful lady sits next to her grandmother. Across from them, an Army general sits next to his young lieutenant.
The train enters a long, dark tunnel. Suddenly, in the darkness, there is the sound of a kiss followed by a slap! The train exits the tunnel and the four people in the passenger compartment look at each other. Without saying a word, each of them thinks they know what has just happened.
The young lady is surprised, but very happy that the young lieutenant waited for an appropriate moment to kiss her, but she can't understand why her grandmother slapped him.
The grandmother is shocked that the young lieutenant would try to kiss her granddaughter, but she is happy that her granddaughter slapped him.
The General was pleased that his young lieutenant had waited for an appropriate moment to kiss the young lady because he could see they liked each other. However, he couldn't understand why the grandmother had slapped him.
Meanwhile, the young lieutenant sat in his seat, feeling very good about himself. Not only had he found a way to kiss the pretty young lady sitting across from him, but he had also managed to slap his general at the same time!
--------------------------
Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.
The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds!
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breath-a-lyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
hope u guyz enjoyed it :roll:
regards
scare_crow
From India, Mumbai
2NOTE: TO BE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK...PUBLISHER CANNOT BE PUNISHED FOR NOTHING....
WEEKEND HAS ARRIVED .... TIME TO ENJOY THE JOKES....IF U LIKE THE JOKES...GOOD...IF U DON'T PLS DNT CURSE ME....BCZ...THE TOPIC SAYZ IT ALL "BRUTAL HUMOUR-WEEKEND SPECIAL"
WITH YOUR PERMISION... I START...
World Ideologies Explained by Reference to Cows" - Rated PG
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of
all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: Your cows are cared for by former chicken
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took
from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and
eggs the rules say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to
take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your
neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the
most "need." Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the
cows drop dead of starvation.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You take care of them but the
government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can
and sell it on the black market.
PERESTROIKA: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but
the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can
and sell it on the "free" market.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and
shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts
you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbor decides who gets the
milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick
someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates
what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you
not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and
pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms
accounting for the missing cows.
CAPITALISM: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money
to buy cows because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair
price, or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to
take harmonica lessons.
OLYMPICS-ISM: You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the
help of trilling violins and state-of-the-art montage photography,
John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame
the agony of growing up in a suburb with divorced parents, then
mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a
tyrannical farmer and saw its parents butchered before its eyes. The
American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a
gritty performance, and gets a multi-million-dollar contract to
endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by
Chinese government officials though no one ever hears about it.
McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing
restaurant.
LIMBAUGHISM: You used to have two cows. They may be dead; you don't
know, because you can't smell them through the stench rising off your
unwashed, 1,500-pound bulk. It's been six years since you could fit
into the shower. You blame the entire situation on an evil government
conspiracy, and click the remote to another talk show.
X-FILES-ISM: Your two cows turn out to be the government. They milk
YOU. You are saved by two generic bimbos, a female and a male with
blow-dried hair, after (1) a car chase, involving UFOs, (2) a
gunfight, and (3) a seance. The aliens get the advertising revenue
after the Nielsens rise.
The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington engineering mid term. The answer was so "profound" that
the Professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when
it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the
following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As
for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions
state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to
Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do
not Belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls
go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at
the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my
Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not
freeze." the student received the only "A" given.
young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language.
He's been saying things I've never heard before!
All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
--------------------------
Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest shmucks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"
--------------------------
There was a boy whose parents were very strict in his upbringing. They never allowed him to meet any girls, except his own relatives. However, one day he saw one of his best friends kissing a girl and he went to his mother and asked her what they were doing.
His mother told him, "It's called kissing and any boy who does that to a girl will die that very minute!"
On his 21st birthday he went out with some friends who introduced him to one of the sweetest girls around town. She knew that he had never been kissed before.
When she eventually got some time alone with him, she tried to kiss him but he resisted. She asked him, "What are you afraid of, it won't hurt."
He said, "My mother said if I kiss a girl I'll die this very minute!!"
She replied, "Don't be a baby, now come on kiss me."
With that she gave him a hot one square across the lips.
He began to cry, "Oh no I'm going to die!!!"
She said, "Why are you going to die??"
He replied, "I've just kissed you and already one part of me has begun to get stiff!!"
--------------------------
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.
Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.
The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
--------------------------
As cab drivers sometimes do, the driver was darting in and out of heavy traffic with complete abandon. After a few hair raising blocks, his passenger leaned forward and
said, "Dear sir, would you please be more careful? I have six children at home."
"Scheesch lady," murmured the cabby, "you got six kids and ya got the nerve to tell ME to be careful?"
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Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
--------------------------
"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language.
He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, 'OOh dad, there's one.'
'No,' said the father. 'There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait.'
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, 'Hey dad, he's plenty big enough.'
'No,' the father said. 'We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait.'
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, 'Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her.'
'No,' said the father. 'We'll not eat her either.'
'Why not?' asked the son.
'Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother.'
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"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir,"urged the street vendor.
"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man."Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."
"I don't have a sweetheart, either."
"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."
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A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"
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"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess. I didn't go shopping. All the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
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A conversation heard at a local pub:
"Gee, Sam, wish you were here with me."
"But Tom, I am. Look see, I'm right in front of you."
"No you're not."
"Yes, I am."
"Can prove you're not. Bet you $5."
"You're on."
"You're not in New York City, are you?"
"That's true."
"And you're not in Montreal."
"Can't argue with you there."
"And you are definitely not in Paris."
"Nope."
"If you're not in New York City, Montreal or Paris, then you must be someplace else."
"Yea, that makes sense."
"Well, if you're someplace else, you can't be here. So pay up, let's have the $5."
"Can't."
"Why not?"
"I'm not here."
--------------------------
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."
--------------------------
One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, 'Why don't you let me drive for ones.'
The driver thinks to him self, 'Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the pope.' So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, 'slow down a bit, you might get pulled over.' The Pope says, 'ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope.' So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, 'oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute.'
The Pope says, 'sure'
The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, 'guys I just pulled over some one really important.'
They ask who, 'The President?'
'No more important.'
'The president of another country.'
'No more important.'
'An ambassador.'
'No even more important.'
'Well who is it.'
'I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur.'
--------------------------
Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone.
"Watt."
"What is your name, please?"
"Watt's my name."
"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?"
"No, this is Knott."
"Please tell me your name."
"Will Knott."
Whereupon they both hung up.
--------------------------
The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."
"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?"
"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my f**king advice, they'd let me know."
--------------------------
Once, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has committed lots of sin and therefore decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at a church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. "Father, I have sinned." "Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you." "Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house; nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her." "That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake." "Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too." "That's not very good of you." "Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too." "Father? ... Father?" suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the father was not there. So he began searching for him. "Father? Where are you?" He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano. "Father, why are you hiding here?"
"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
--------------------------
Four people are riding in a small passenger car compartment on a long train ride across the country. On one seat, a young, beautiful lady sits next to her grandmother. Across from them, an Army general sits next to his young lieutenant.
The train enters a long, dark tunnel. Suddenly, in the darkness, there is the sound of a kiss followed by a slap! The train exits the tunnel and the four people in the passenger compartment look at each other. Without saying a word, each of them thinks they know what has just happened.
The young lady is surprised, but very happy that the young lieutenant waited for an appropriate moment to kiss her, but she can't understand why her grandmother slapped him.
The grandmother is shocked that the young lieutenant would try to kiss her granddaughter, but she is happy that her granddaughter slapped him.
The General was pleased that his young lieutenant had waited for an appropriate moment to kiss the young lady because he could see they liked each other. However, he couldn't understand why the grandmother had slapped him.
Meanwhile, the young lieutenant sat in his seat, feeling very good about himself. Not only had he found a way to kiss the pretty young lady sitting across from him, but he had also managed to slap his general at the same time!
--------------------------
Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.
The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds!
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breath-a-lyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
hope u guyz enjoyed it :roll:
regards
scare_crow
From India, Mumbai
SOME OTHER THREADS OF BAD HUMOUR...
BY THE TIME U REALISE WHAT YOUR PARENTS USED TO SAY WAS RIGHT....U WILL ALREADY HAVE A KID WHO BEGINS TO THINK THAT YOU ARE WRONG..... :roll:
FOLLOWING IS A CONVERSTAION BETWEEN A SARDAR DUDE AND A FROG DUDE.....
-FROG: DO SARDARS HAVE BRAINS ???
-SARDAR: YES THEY DO...
- FROG: NO THEY DON'T....
-SARDAR: OOH YES THEY DO HAVE...ASK ANY BDY
-FROG: NO CHANCE...THEY DON'T...
AND FROG DUDE JUMPS INTO THE WELL.....(FULL OF WATER)
THIS IS WHAT THE PUZZLED SARDAR SAYZ....
SARDAR: ON THIS PETTY ISSUE WHY THE HELL DID HE COMMIT SUICIDE.... :cry: :cry:
GUYZ JOKES ARE PATHETIC BUT I STILL MANAGED TO LAUGH DID YOU?????
From India, Mumbai
BY THE TIME U REALISE WHAT YOUR PARENTS USED TO SAY WAS RIGHT....U WILL ALREADY HAVE A KID WHO BEGINS TO THINK THAT YOU ARE WRONG..... :roll:
FOLLOWING IS A CONVERSTAION BETWEEN A SARDAR DUDE AND A FROG DUDE.....
-FROG: DO SARDARS HAVE BRAINS ???
-SARDAR: YES THEY DO...
- FROG: NO THEY DON'T....
-SARDAR: OOH YES THEY DO HAVE...ASK ANY BDY
-FROG: NO CHANCE...THEY DON'T...
AND FROG DUDE JUMPS INTO THE WELL.....(FULL OF WATER)
THIS IS WHAT THE PUZZLED SARDAR SAYZ....
SARDAR: ON THIS PETTY ISSUE WHY THE HELL DID HE COMMIT SUICIDE.... :cry: :cry:
GUYZ JOKES ARE PATHETIC BUT I STILL MANAGED TO LAUGH DID YOU?????
From India, Mumbai
Hi all .... Most of us have seen the "Page Not found" page when we are surfing the net and are quite disappointed at the time...
Now see this http://www.thispagecannotbedisplayed.com/
From India, Ahmadabad
Now see this http://www.thispagecannotbedisplayed.com/
From India, Ahmadabad
Once there was a do which went on the road turned left then right stood for the signal and crossed while the signal turned green.
Then went back to the same place.
Then went to the road turned left and then turned right stood for the signal crossed while the signal turn green.
Think why it did this
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it follows traffic rules?
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Because it is a dog, it need not give any explanation for its action.
From India, Tiruppur
Then went back to the same place.
Then went to the road turned left and then turned right stood for the signal crossed while the signal turn green.
Think why it did this
>
>
>
>
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it follows traffic rules?
>
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>
>
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Because it is a dog, it need not give any explanation for its action.
From India, Tiruppur
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Salary-Note.doc
02 - STATE MW Press Note VDI Points - W.E.F 01.10.2018.pdf