Hi all,
Don't you think that this is how our employee manual in reality looks like
NEW EMPLOYEE MANUAL
Welcome aboard! You are one of our most valued new employees. Enclosed please find some helpful guidelines to company policy.
OVERTIME - The Company has an optional overtime policy - you have the option of working forty hours of overtime or eighty hours of overtime.
PROMOTION - The Company rewards hard work and devotion. We like to think that if you work hard and devote enough time and energy to the company, you will be rewarded by being allowed to train the CEO's son when he is promoted to Vice President over you.
STOCK OPTIONS - You may buy shares in the company when it goes public. So named because you'll be working in the stock room at Wal-Mart when the company goes belly-up due to your incompetence.
401k - This is how much money you'll lose under your "Stock Option" plan.
HELLTH PLAN- No, that isn't a misprint; you now belong to an H.M.O. That stands for "Hell's Medical Organization." It was organized by some of Hell's finest minds: Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Josef Stalin worked night and day to create a 162-page manual documenting the exact terms of your coverage, but it all boils down to three points:
TERMINATION- All employees will be given two weeks notice upon being fired. We like to feel that this gives an employee a "grace period" to steal all of the office supplies that he or she may have forgotten to take during his or her period of employment.
COMPLAINTS - May be made anonymously in the box marked "Complaints" in the employee break room. All complaints will be reviewed, processed, and fed to an angry Rottweiler named Frankie.
From India, Ahmadabad
35Don't you think that this is how our employee manual in reality looks like
NEW EMPLOYEE MANUAL
Welcome aboard! You are one of our most valued new employees. Enclosed please find some helpful guidelines to company policy.
OVERTIME - The Company has an optional overtime policy - you have the option of working forty hours of overtime or eighty hours of overtime.
PROMOTION - The Company rewards hard work and devotion. We like to think that if you work hard and devote enough time and energy to the company, you will be rewarded by being allowed to train the CEO's son when he is promoted to Vice President over you.
STOCK OPTIONS - You may buy shares in the company when it goes public. So named because you'll be working in the stock room at Wal-Mart when the company goes belly-up due to your incompetence.
401k - This is how much money you'll lose under your "Stock Option" plan.
HELLTH PLAN- No, that isn't a misprint; you now belong to an H.M.O. That stands for "Hell's Medical Organization." It was organized by some of Hell's finest minds: Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Josef Stalin worked night and day to create a 162-page manual documenting the exact terms of your coverage, but it all boils down to three points:
- 1) You belong to the HMO. We mean that literally - as of now, the HMO owns you. To insure that you don't forget your subscriber number, we will tattoo it to your forehead.
2) You have been assigned a primary care physician. You will not be told your physician's name. You may never see your physician. Your physician is imaginary. If you see any doctor without express written permission of your imaginary primary care physician, you will be forced to pay full price, plus eat your weight in lard.
3) You are not covered under this plan.
TERMINATION- All employees will be given two weeks notice upon being fired. We like to feel that this gives an employee a "grace period" to steal all of the office supplies that he or she may have forgotten to take during his or her period of employment.
COMPLAINTS - May be made anonymously in the box marked "Complaints" in the employee break room. All complaints will be reviewed, processed, and fed to an angry Rottweiler named Frankie.
From India, Ahmadabad
AS AN EMPLOYEE.......
* The biggest motive is salary
* The unluckiest thing is promotion without salary adjustment
* The most fun thing is you anyhow work also get paid increment
* The greatest talent is apple-polishing
* The graviest mistake is to argue with your boss
* The most demoralising thing is to receive salary late
* The most pitiful thing is you did not get your salary and your boss ran away
* The most happiest thing is you become your boss' boss
* The most cleverest thing is you are late but boss doesn't know
* The stupidest thing is you publicly say that you are lazy
* The most common thing is boss says something but means another
* The most proudest thing is you sack your boss (how I wish !!!!)
* The most unprofitable thing is you work hard but your colleague takes the credit
* The most dangerous thing is to become a "two-headed" snake
and the biggest satisfaction is ...................sending an e-mail like this during office hours!!!
From India, Ahmadabad
* The biggest motive is salary
* The unluckiest thing is promotion without salary adjustment
* The most fun thing is you anyhow work also get paid increment
* The greatest talent is apple-polishing
* The graviest mistake is to argue with your boss
* The most demoralising thing is to receive salary late
* The most pitiful thing is you did not get your salary and your boss ran away
* The most happiest thing is you become your boss' boss
* The most cleverest thing is you are late but boss doesn't know
* The stupidest thing is you publicly say that you are lazy
* The most common thing is boss says something but means another
* The most proudest thing is you sack your boss (how I wish !!!!)
* The most unprofitable thing is you work hard but your colleague takes the credit
* The most dangerous thing is to become a "two-headed" snake
and the biggest satisfaction is ...................sending an e-mail like this during office hours!!!
From India, Ahmadabad
Human Resource Lingo
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
From India, Ahmadabad
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
From India, Ahmadabad
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that'll be $ 5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,"That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs,well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some
Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own.
The price tag around its neck read $ 50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together!
What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the Project Manager."
From India, Madras
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that'll be $ 5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,"That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs,well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some
Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own.
The price tag around its neck read $ 50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together!
What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the Project Manager."
From India, Madras
There was a good old barber in Mumbai. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:
I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service. Florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is another "Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.
A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there......
A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with Printouts of forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut
From India, Madras
I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service. Florist is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is another "Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.
A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there......
A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with Printouts of forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut
From India, Madras
The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just
small
enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Way to ask for a raise:
"I must have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other
companies after me."
"Really?" the boss asked. "What other companies are after you?"
"The gas company, the telephone company, and the electricity company,"
the
man replied.
Good one.. First half was inspirational.. Latter half was realistic!!!
I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot... and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that's precisely why I succeed.
Michael Jordan (1993-, American Basketball Player, Actor)
(AFTER READING THE ABOVE STATEMENT, I AM TEMPTED TO WRITE SOME TRUTH OF MY LIFE TOO....)
I have corrupted more than 9,000 programs in my career. I have crashed almost 300 computers. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to deliver program on deadline... and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that's precisely why I am still here!!!
Software Engineer (Further description not necessary)
From India, Madras
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just
small
enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Way to ask for a raise:
"I must have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other
companies after me."
"Really?" the boss asked. "What other companies are after you?"
"The gas company, the telephone company, and the electricity company,"
the
man replied.
Good one.. First half was inspirational.. Latter half was realistic!!!
I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot... and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that's precisely why I succeed.
Michael Jordan (1993-, American Basketball Player, Actor)
(AFTER READING THE ABOVE STATEMENT, I AM TEMPTED TO WRITE SOME TRUTH OF MY LIFE TOO....)
I have corrupted more than 9,000 programs in my career. I have crashed almost 300 computers. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to deliver program on deadline... and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that's precisely why I am still here!!!
Software Engineer (Further description not necessary)
From India, Madras
Hi Nivedhitha These humours are really good and i think one will forget all our worries on reading these.Thnks Nivedhitha
From India, New Delhi
From India, New Delhi
Glossary of Terms - Performance Appraisal
Term.............................................. .............................Definition
A keen analyst........................................... .................Makes mountains out of molehills
Active socially.......................................... ..................Drinks heavily
Approaches difficult situations with enthusiasm...............Delegates
Average officer........................................... ...............Not very bright
Character and integrity beyond reproach.......................Has not been found out
Conscientious..................................... .......................Scared
Demonstrates qualities of leadership.............................Talks too much
Exceptionally well qualified............... ............... ...........Has committed no major blunders
Expresses himself, well............... ............... ...............Speaks English
Forceful and aggressive............... ..............................Argumentative
Gets on well with supervisors............... ............... ......Gutless
Good staff relations............... ............... ............... ....Too friendly with the opposite sex
Has potential.............. ............... ............... ...............But not much else
Immature............... .................................................S till plays cricket
Indifferent to instructions.......... .......... .......... ...........Knows more than his controlling officer
Judgement is usually sound............... ............... ......... Lucky
Keen sense of humour............... ............... ...............Vast repertoire of dirty jokes
Mature............... ............... ............... ............... .....Retires next year
Quick thinking............... ............... ............... ........... Offers plausible excuses for mistakes
Shows initiative............... ............... ............... ......... Covers for bosses mistakes
Slightly below average............... ............... ...............Stupid
Spends hours on the job............... ............... ...............Miserable home life
Spouse is active socially............... ............... ...............Spouse also drinks
Strong adherence to principles............... ............... ...... Stubborn
Tactful in dealing with supervisors............... ............... . Knows when to keep mouth shut
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress...............Entertains senior officers
Takes pride in his work............... ............... ...................Conceited
Unlimited potential............... ............... ............... ........ Wont progress beyond basic grade
Would benefit from wider experience............... ...............Get rid of the bastard
Zealous attitude............... ............... ............... ............ Opinionated
From India, Ahmadabad
Term.............................................. .............................Definition
A keen analyst........................................... .................Makes mountains out of molehills
Active socially.......................................... ..................Drinks heavily
Approaches difficult situations with enthusiasm...............Delegates
Average officer........................................... ...............Not very bright
Character and integrity beyond reproach.......................Has not been found out
Conscientious..................................... .......................Scared
Demonstrates qualities of leadership.............................Talks too much
Exceptionally well qualified............... ............... ...........Has committed no major blunders
Expresses himself, well............... ............... ...............Speaks English
Forceful and aggressive............... ..............................Argumentative
Gets on well with supervisors............... ............... ......Gutless
Good staff relations............... ............... ............... ....Too friendly with the opposite sex
Has potential.............. ............... ............... ...............But not much else
Immature............... .................................................S till plays cricket
Indifferent to instructions.......... .......... .......... ...........Knows more than his controlling officer
Judgement is usually sound............... ............... ......... Lucky
Keen sense of humour............... ............... ...............Vast repertoire of dirty jokes
Mature............... ............... ............... ............... .....Retires next year
Quick thinking............... ............... ............... ........... Offers plausible excuses for mistakes
Shows initiative............... ............... ............... ......... Covers for bosses mistakes
Slightly below average............... ............... ...............Stupid
Spends hours on the job............... ............... ...............Miserable home life
Spouse is active socially............... ............... ...............Spouse also drinks
Strong adherence to principles............... ............... ...... Stubborn
Tactful in dealing with supervisors............... ............... . Knows when to keep mouth shut
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress...............Entertains senior officers
Takes pride in his work............... ............... ...................Conceited
Unlimited potential............... ............... ............... ........ Wont progress beyond basic grade
Would benefit from wider experience............... ...............Get rid of the bastard
Zealous attitude............... ............... ............... ............ Opinionated
From India, Ahmadabad
Hi,
Atlast I managed to get one joke in this section, and here it goes:
THIS GOES SPECIALLY TO THE PEOPLE IN THE IT SECTOR
Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training. Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"
Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste.
Regards,
Soumya Shankar
From India, Bangalore
Atlast I managed to get one joke in this section, and here it goes:
THIS GOES SPECIALLY TO THE PEOPLE IN THE IT SECTOR
Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training. Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"
Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste.
Regards,
Soumya Shankar
From India, Bangalore
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