Dear seniors,
I am working as an HR professional. I had a verbal fight with my XXX Department manager (I don't feel like revealing the department name). Our company organized a corporate event, and I was the leading person for the event. I have really worked hard on it. Prior to the event date, he embarrassed me in front of third parties by saying that I didn't work on it, all my work is useless, and all that "bla bla bla." I forget to mention this is not the first time he has embarrassed me in front of third parties. I have personally communicated this to him, asking him not to do that as it makes me feel very bad. However, on the day the fight started, he again provoked me, and I couldn't control my anger, so I shouted back very rudely. Now, he says he was joking and didn't mean what he said. My question is, if I slap someone and say I was kidding, would he pardon me?
I reacted only when he provoked me multiple times. I don't know what to do and don't feel like going back to the office. I have always tried to maintain a good relationship with everyone, but since it has been spoiled, I have no interest in going back to work. This manager is a good friend of mine as we share some common interests.
Please share your views. I feel so lonely.
From India, Coimbatore
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11I am working as an HR professional. I had a verbal fight with my XXX Department manager (I don't feel like revealing the department name). Our company organized a corporate event, and I was the leading person for the event. I have really worked hard on it. Prior to the event date, he embarrassed me in front of third parties by saying that I didn't work on it, all my work is useless, and all that "bla bla bla." I forget to mention this is not the first time he has embarrassed me in front of third parties. I have personally communicated this to him, asking him not to do that as it makes me feel very bad. However, on the day the fight started, he again provoked me, and I couldn't control my anger, so I shouted back very rudely. Now, he says he was joking and didn't mean what he said. My question is, if I slap someone and say I was kidding, would he pardon me?
I reacted only when he provoked me multiple times. I don't know what to do and don't feel like going back to the office. I have always tried to maintain a good relationship with everyone, but since it has been spoiled, I have no interest in going back to work. This manager is a good friend of mine as we share some common interests.
Please share your views. I feel so lonely.
From India, Coimbatore
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Hi Robin,
You will come across many such people who will provoke you and then see the fun. Join back ASAP. Don't let a single person influence you. Learn how to express your feelings without getting aggressive. Practice assertiveness! I am sure you will be able to turn around the situation with a little patience and a better outlook. Wishing you all the very best!! :)
From India, Delhi
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You will come across many such people who will provoke you and then see the fun. Join back ASAP. Don't let a single person influence you. Learn how to express your feelings without getting aggressive. Practice assertiveness! I am sure you will be able to turn around the situation with a little patience and a better outlook. Wishing you all the very best!! :)
From India, Delhi
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Dear Robin,
What has happened is an interpersonal issue.
If some manager was provoking you, did you talk to that person in private before sending the email? You could have done that. Email communication is used for reiterating what transpired in the meetings. It cannot always be the primary form of communication.
If the manager was instigating you, then why did you not report it to your HR Manager? By the way, what is your designation? Are you a manager? Is that manager at par with you? If the incidents were happening in front of everyone, then why did none of the seniors step in to avoid this unfair treatment towards you? When the company's interpersonal environment was degraded, why were they mute spectators?
Instead of losing your temper and retaliating, you could have controlled your anger for a moment. I know how difficult it is to give advice on this matter, as I have also failed in the past. You could have approached your seniors like a GM or a VP regarding the rough treatment from the manager.
Anyway, we cannot change the past. Now you are overwhelmed by a sense of guilt and do not wish to go to the office. However, that would be a childish response. One single incident, one single mistake, whether yours or someone else's, cannot jeopardize your career. Therefore, look at your career as a whole. You cannot expect a smooth ride forever; there will be bumps, just like this one. Therefore, ignore it and move on.
Before closing these comments, I would like to provide two links on "Response Vs Reaction." Please go through them. What you did was react, not respond. Over time, learn how to respond and not just react. The links are as follows:
- [A Mindful Difference: Respond vs React](http://www.thindifference.com/2013/03/07/a-mindful-difference-respond-vs-react/)
- [Responding vs. Reacting in Life](http://baliadvertiser.biz) (link updated to site home)
All the best!
Dinesh V Divekar
From India, Bangalore
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What has happened is an interpersonal issue.
If some manager was provoking you, did you talk to that person in private before sending the email? You could have done that. Email communication is used for reiterating what transpired in the meetings. It cannot always be the primary form of communication.
If the manager was instigating you, then why did you not report it to your HR Manager? By the way, what is your designation? Are you a manager? Is that manager at par with you? If the incidents were happening in front of everyone, then why did none of the seniors step in to avoid this unfair treatment towards you? When the company's interpersonal environment was degraded, why were they mute spectators?
Instead of losing your temper and retaliating, you could have controlled your anger for a moment. I know how difficult it is to give advice on this matter, as I have also failed in the past. You could have approached your seniors like a GM or a VP regarding the rough treatment from the manager.
Anyway, we cannot change the past. Now you are overwhelmed by a sense of guilt and do not wish to go to the office. However, that would be a childish response. One single incident, one single mistake, whether yours or someone else's, cannot jeopardize your career. Therefore, look at your career as a whole. You cannot expect a smooth ride forever; there will be bumps, just like this one. Therefore, ignore it and move on.
Before closing these comments, I would like to provide two links on "Response Vs Reaction." Please go through them. What you did was react, not respond. Over time, learn how to respond and not just react. The links are as follows:
- [A Mindful Difference: Respond vs React](http://www.thindifference.com/2013/03/07/a-mindful-difference-respond-vs-react/)
- [Responding vs. Reacting in Life](http://baliadvertiser.biz) (link updated to site home)
All the best!
Dinesh V Divekar
From India, Bangalore
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Atul Sharma and Dinesh Divekar have given you excellent advice. I have only one more comment to make. You say that "And this manager is a very good friend of mine as we share some common interests." I wonder if he is really a friend! I also have a very good friend who takes pleasure in trying to provoke me and get a reaction. I have known him for 40+ years. But he is only a family friend and has not worked with me.
Like the saying goes, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words do not hurt me." Kindly learn to shut your ears when he is saying things like that. As Dinesh says, it is easier to say that than to put it into practice. I have also reacted like you. God has been kind to me in that he has given me the capacity to forget things. So, I do not keep brooding over things, and thus such incidents do not make me depressed.
Like Judge Judy says, no one can provoke us. It's we who react to what others say or do. We have the option to react or walk away.
From United Kingdom
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Like the saying goes, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words do not hurt me." Kindly learn to shut your ears when he is saying things like that. As Dinesh says, it is easier to say that than to put it into practice. I have also reacted like you. God has been kind to me in that he has given me the capacity to forget things. So, I do not keep brooding over things, and thus such incidents do not make me depressed.
Like Judge Judy says, no one can provoke us. It's we who react to what others say or do. We have the option to react or walk away.
From United Kingdom
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Dear Simhan, Atul Sharma, and Dinesh Divekar Sir,
What you have said is completely correct. I did not report to my reporting person because I was not sure if he would take this seriously. As I have previously mentioned, I personally communicated to him not to insult me in front of others. As Dinesh Divekar Sir mentioned, if I try not to respond on time (to avoid conflict), he may tend to do it again.
From India, Coimbatore
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What you have said is completely correct. I did not report to my reporting person because I was not sure if he would take this seriously. As I have previously mentioned, I personally communicated to him not to insult me in front of others. As Dinesh Divekar Sir mentioned, if I try not to respond on time (to avoid conflict), he may tend to do it again.
From India, Coimbatore
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Well, if the said manager is not making a big deal of it, why are you so disturbed? And I hope you have not stopped going to the office!
Shouting and screaming should be avoided everywhere, particularly in the workplace. But then, sh*t happens. Move on. Possibly, the manager too has got the message now and will not mess with you so easily. Maybe it was all for good, especially if the issue is not escalating and the only aftermath is in your mind. The solution is easy - just shake it off!
From India, Delhi
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Shouting and screaming should be avoided everywhere, particularly in the workplace. But then, sh*t happens. Move on. Possibly, the manager too has got the message now and will not mess with you so easily. Maybe it was all for good, especially if the issue is not escalating and the only aftermath is in your mind. The solution is easy - just shake it off!
From India, Delhi
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Dear Robin,
Sorry for not answering your first question, "My question is if I slap someone and say that I was kidding, would he pardon me." It all depends on who that someone is and his nature. If he were like Lord Christ, he would turn his other cheek for a slap. Let me give an example from the life of Sri Ramanujacharya. It seems he had a favorite disciple, and the acharya's other followers were very jealous of him. To cut the story short, the favorite disciple told his wife that she should not have moved when people came to rob the house and disturbed them. To which she replied that she turned so to take the bangles from the other hand too, as they may need it. However, we are not of that type. If a stranger slaps, depending on his size, we will react differently: either run away or give one back.
From United Kingdom
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Sorry for not answering your first question, "My question is if I slap someone and say that I was kidding, would he pardon me." It all depends on who that someone is and his nature. If he were like Lord Christ, he would turn his other cheek for a slap. Let me give an example from the life of Sri Ramanujacharya. It seems he had a favorite disciple, and the acharya's other followers were very jealous of him. To cut the story short, the favorite disciple told his wife that she should not have moved when people came to rob the house and disturbed them. To which she replied that she turned so to take the bangles from the other hand too, as they may need it. However, we are not of that type. If a stranger slaps, depending on his size, we will react differently: either run away or give one back.
From United Kingdom
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Dear Robin,
Well, this sort of situation faced by you is experienced by many individuals while working in various organizations. Your success depends on how you handle such situations. Under such circumstances, there are two alternative approaches: (i) fight or (ii) flight (escape). Unfortunately, you seem to have chosen the second alternative and decided to abstain from work. I think this is not the proper approach. You must fight. I don't mean to say physical assault on the miscreant. The best thing is you may make a note (time, date, and place-wise) of all such instances of misbehavior on his part and wait for a proper opportunity when you may retaliate. But 'flight' in no case. Escapism will not take you anywhere.
Also, please remember there is a saying in Sanskrit; it translates as "The words, the language, and the behavior of a person are indicative of the family background he or she comes from."
So, contain your emotions and consequent hasty actions. Keep cool. This approach is necessary to draw up a strategy for future action.
Lalit Thakkar
From India, Surat
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Well, this sort of situation faced by you is experienced by many individuals while working in various organizations. Your success depends on how you handle such situations. Under such circumstances, there are two alternative approaches: (i) fight or (ii) flight (escape). Unfortunately, you seem to have chosen the second alternative and decided to abstain from work. I think this is not the proper approach. You must fight. I don't mean to say physical assault on the miscreant. The best thing is you may make a note (time, date, and place-wise) of all such instances of misbehavior on his part and wait for a proper opportunity when you may retaliate. But 'flight' in no case. Escapism will not take you anywhere.
Also, please remember there is a saying in Sanskrit; it translates as "The words, the language, and the behavior of a person are indicative of the family background he or she comes from."
So, contain your emotions and consequent hasty actions. Keep cool. This approach is necessary to draw up a strategy for future action.
Lalit Thakkar
From India, Surat
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Greetings Robin,
Many times we tend to take comments of colleagues personally. I have been trained by my senior colleague to distance myself in tough situations wherein my actions were ridiculed by fellow colleagues. He used to guide me whenever I erred and told me to investigate whether there was really any flaw that eluded my attention while performing that action. If, in my opinion, there was no flaw, he guided me to ignore it and not react to such comments.
He also taught me not to carry the stigma against that colleague in future conversations with him. He narrated a small story that everyone knows. A sage was crossing a river with his disciples and came across a lady who was timid to cross the river. The sage offered to carry the lady on his shoulders and cross the river, to which she agreed. The disciple was disturbed by the action of the sage. Sensing his uneasiness, the sage sought the reasons for his discomfort, to which the disciple asked how he, being a sage, carried a lady on his shoulders. The sage replied that he forgot about it the moment she alighted from his shoulder on the river bank, while the disciple was still carrying the thought in his mind. The disciple was humbled by the reply. Every time I come across such situations, I still remember him and try to control myself and then explain the situation to colleagues who have reacted differently.
Many times we find colleagues taunting us before fellow colleagues to show that they are one up. But in private, they will be good friends. In my opinion, you are in such a situation. Please don't hesitate, join back at once and sort out the matter with your colleague to whom you were harsh. I am sure he will realize his folly and will not repeat such actions in the future.
Regards
From India, Madras
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Many times we tend to take comments of colleagues personally. I have been trained by my senior colleague to distance myself in tough situations wherein my actions were ridiculed by fellow colleagues. He used to guide me whenever I erred and told me to investigate whether there was really any flaw that eluded my attention while performing that action. If, in my opinion, there was no flaw, he guided me to ignore it and not react to such comments.
He also taught me not to carry the stigma against that colleague in future conversations with him. He narrated a small story that everyone knows. A sage was crossing a river with his disciples and came across a lady who was timid to cross the river. The sage offered to carry the lady on his shoulders and cross the river, to which she agreed. The disciple was disturbed by the action of the sage. Sensing his uneasiness, the sage sought the reasons for his discomfort, to which the disciple asked how he, being a sage, carried a lady on his shoulders. The sage replied that he forgot about it the moment she alighted from his shoulder on the river bank, while the disciple was still carrying the thought in his mind. The disciple was humbled by the reply. Every time I come across such situations, I still remember him and try to control myself and then explain the situation to colleagues who have reacted differently.
Many times we find colleagues taunting us before fellow colleagues to show that they are one up. But in private, they will be good friends. In my opinion, you are in such a situation. Please don't hesitate, join back at once and sort out the matter with your colleague to whom you were harsh. I am sure he will realize his folly and will not repeat such actions in the future.
Regards
From India, Madras
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